i am alone. in a room, all alone.
I wonder why loneliness and alone-ness hits the hardest during the festive seasons. Chinese New Year eve, Valentine’s, family members’ birthdays.
But I have chosen this. No one forced me to do it. My family told me time and time again, I am welcomed to come back anytime. Anytime at all. But I chose to come here, 14 hours by flight away, where I still know less than a handful of people.
I chose this, and I know that although I feel sad and lonely, especially now because we broke up, I know that I still have to be here. Although I don’t know exactly why I am here, but my heart is glad and it is not agitated. Because I followed it.
When I was in tears, because it was the start of Chinese New Year eve’s dinner, my heart spoke to me, and it says ” Count your blessings, and you will know you are blessed.”
I am grateful for my health, for the job, for a place over my roof, for the freedom to choose to snooze the alarm, for the freedom to choose to go swimming, to choose to learn German, to choose to learn Wing Chun, to choose to stop all of them and learn something new again. I am grateful I am loved, and I am grateful to love.
I am grateful my parents, my sister, my brother, my grandmas, my aunts and uncles and cousins, him, and his parents, have health and enough and freedom as well to choose to do what they want.
I am grateful that I see I don’t have to be others, but I do see that I have to choose to grow to be myself.
I am grateful for the friends who stayed by me through my sadness and my happiness, for the friends who are not afraid of my tears or laughter, sometimes both at the same time. I am grateful for long lost friends who return, because it means I am still in their hearts. I am grateful for friends who walked away from my pain, for now I know their pain and their vulnerability. And I am grateful that I could learn that just being there is enough, and one doesn’t have to come up with solutions.
I am grateful for the chance to experience loneliness, for I am grateful to be able to follow what my heart demands, to be here. I asked for magic, but i am already living in the magic. Every day is a magic happening, every day is a dream coming true.
Although there will be times I will sink back into sadness, selfishness, vanity, egoism, and childishness, I know now I will always remember and I will always come back. Until one day I no longer have to come back, because I will be here. In the meantime, I will love with all my heart, and hope that I will be forgiven for my mistakes and my weaknesses and my anger and my hurt, every step of the way.
Every day I love and every day I am loved, is a day of magic. Although I am alone. Although I have moments of loneliness.
I love you and we are one.
What is the sound of joy? What is the sound of sadness?
What is the sounds for feelings word can’t express?
What is the sound people make when they are so happy they are going to burst into a million billion butterflies?
What is the sound people make when they want to say please I don’t want to live in a world you no longer exist ?
Oh you don’t know? You will know when you hear it.
Sometimes, some sounds transcend languages. And everything in between we fill with the words we learn during the time in between.
We should spend less time and energy trying to impress people who will judge you anyway, and spend more time and energy loving the people who need it.
You spend so much effort to get the perfectly styled hair, perfectly immaculate makeup, perfectly expensive clothes, perfectly branded Gucci handbags, perfectly everything. But you have forgotten something. The double-take from strangers, they forget about you the next second you walk by. The equally perfect looking friends, they are only comparing you to themselves, assuring themselves they look perfect-er than you.
Can you see what they see?
And the people who can see you for who you are, don’t see you for what you have on the outside. They see it in the way you laugh, the way you tell them everything will be alright, the way you are there for them when they need you.
Can you see what they see?
Born like this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
We are all in this together. In boxes. We live in a time where we are mere numbers. We are labelled according to our passport numbers, identity card numbers, student ID numbers, even this blog account is just a number. We live in boxes. Our boxes are numbered. We work in a box, to earn the right to live, as well as wait to die, in a box. When it comes to die, we hope that we worked and saved enough for a box (which is numbered) to be buried in.
So you see, we are all the same. We are just numbers. Why should there be a you and a me? We live in the same world. Yet there are distinctions and lines and borders, put there by people, to differentiate you and me. There are different forms of numbers, just to distinguish a different group of numbered humans. You are a foreigner. You don’t belong here. What is here? What is there?
If we are all trapped in this numbers-boxes-maze, then we are all in this together. Shouldn’t we just let go of all this distinctions, and just be kinder to each other?
What makes a perfect day?
1: A day where you do your everyday activities and everything you do goes perfectly?
2: Or a day where the one thing you wish for the most comes true?
For the first, it could mean simple things like: every traffic light you arrive turns green.
It could also be that you meet someone special while you are out buying groceries, or you made someone else’s day managing to buy a perfect gift or doing the perfect thing (unknowingly) for them.
For the latter, it could be that you finally landed a job you always wanted. It could be you finally met someone you miss dearly.
Which would you choose?
“there is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock”
“It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible. Instead, I feel painfully visible, and entirely ignored.”
– Reminds me of my grandmother, waiting for death day after day. Forgotten by most, neglected. How cruel are the young and busy. How terribly cruel we are.