alone

i am alone. in a room, all alone.

I wonder why loneliness and alone-ness hits the hardest during the festive seasons. Chinese New Year eve, Valentine’s, family members’ birthdays.

But I have chosen this. No one forced me to do it. My family told me time and time again, I am welcomed to come back anytime. Anytime at all. But I chose to come here, 14 hours by flight away, where I still know less than a handful of people.

I chose this, and I know that although I feel sad and lonely, especially now because we broke up, I know that I still have to be here. Although I don’t know exactly why I am here, but my heart is glad and it is not agitated. Because I followed it.

When I was in tears, because it was the start of Chinese New Year eve’s dinner, my heart spoke to me, and it says ” Count your blessings, and you will know you are blessed.”

I am grateful for my health, for the job, for a place over my roof, for the freedom to choose to snooze the alarm, for the freedom to choose to go swimming, to choose to learn German, to choose to learn Wing Chun, to choose to stop all of them and learn something new again. I am grateful I am loved, and I am grateful to love.

I am grateful my parents, my sister, my brother, my grandmas, my aunts and uncles and cousins, him, and his parents, have health and enough and freedom as well to choose to do what they want.

I am grateful that I see I don’t have to be others, but I do see that I have to choose to grow to be myself.

I am grateful for the friends who stayed by me through my sadness and my happiness, for the friends who are not afraid of my tears or laughter, sometimes both at the same time. I am grateful for long lost friends who return, because it means I am still in their hearts. I am grateful for friends who walked away from my pain, for now I know their pain and their vulnerability. And I am grateful that I could learn that just being there is enough, and one doesn’t have to come up with solutions.

I am grateful for the chance to experience loneliness, for I am grateful to be able to follow what my heart demands, to be here. I asked for magic, but i am already living in the magic. Every day is a magic happening, every day is a dream coming true.

Although there will be times I will sink back into sadness, selfishness, vanity, egoism, and childishness, I know now I will always remember and I will always come back. Until one day I no longer have to come back, because I will be here. In the meantime, I will love with all my heart, and hope that I will be forgiven for my mistakes and my weaknesses and my anger and my hurt, every step of the way.

Every day I love and every day I am loved, is a day of magic. Although I am alone. Although I have moments of loneliness.

I love you and we are one.

 

 

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