picture stolen from 3.bp.blogspot.com
I don’t even think about him that much anymore. And during the times when I do, it is with gratitude for having met him, as meeting him has brought about one of the biggest change in me.
Of course, I know that he will one day have someone in his life again, whom he will love. And I’ve come to terms with that for quite some time already. I’ve even prepared myself for what I might feel when it will happen. I was fully prepared – even during the time when I still think about getting back together with him.
And now, after months of already not having the feeling of wondering what it might be to be with him again, after months of being able to think about him without having a fist clenching my stomach and feeling tears at the back of my throat. Seeing him saying ‘Love ya’ on Facebook to that girl, brings about a feeling that I really don’t know how to describe.
It’s strange how this one person can evoke so many different kind of feelings in another. Or is it just me and him? It can’t be, I know it can’t be. Any one person who has ever lost their heart to someone probably knows this feeling. But it still feels so specific.
No matter how prepared, no matter how long it has been since I last talked to him, no matter how resolute I was on the decision of never talking to him again (which I held on to still, thank you very much), the moment I see it, it still feels like a wave of ice cold water hitting my face and leaving me reeling. It’s like suddenly i lost sense of where I was or what the hell was I doing. A sudden moment of disorientation. And I needed a few seconds to remember where I was, or even more dramatically which time frame I am in. It’s like for a few seconds there, I was transported back to that time a year ago. Seriously, what the hell was that?!
It’s like no matter how you have anticipated the incoming wave to be hitting you, you still get disorientated when it hits. I feel like an idiot, and in the past I will not even try to acknowledge the fact that I feel this way about a guy. I’ve been brought to believe that a girl should never love with 100% of her heart, the rule is that always only love with 70% – just in case something happens then at least you can say you never loved him anyway.
But then again, what is the purpose of only feeling 70%? Even if I was (and am still, probably) left with shattered glass, feeling satisfied with the pain as only a masochist can. And of course, I did not cry and will not cry. Strange thing is, I cry very easily. I cry when I read, I cry when I watch movies or the news, I cry when a thought that is worth crying about accidentally pass through my mind. But I’ve never cried about this. Ok, except the day we said goodbye where I cry the whole-hour flight back and making the old couple sitting beside me uncomfortable.
So, at the risk of sounding like a sappy fool sprouting cliches. I’m saying this, thank you for walking into my life and did not give up when I refused to take your hand. And I’m obviously not a generous enough person to say that I wish you and her all the happiness in the world. Heck, I will even wish that you never love or want another girl that way again. Alright, that sounds really mean. But saying otherwise would make me a liar, and besides, it won’t change anything anyway XD I guess for now, all I can say is: Thank you. Thank you for teaching me that there are jerks, and there are angels. And that there can be angels who behave like jerks.
Anyways, on a completely unrelated yet completely related note: Singapore’s Changi Airport is one of the best in the world.